Tuesdays with Story
June 28, 2016
Critiques from June 21st
Repeating the Folly: Lots of great feedback on this poem; thanks everyone! Jerry noted that the word “stack” implied more cards than would fit inside a book, and Pat questioned some weaker word choices, including the verb “shattered” and the phrase “vinegar taste.” There were some great ideas for other words to use here; in my revisions, I now have “gall.” Spring without Flowers: We discussed some pronoun/antecedent agreement in the first stanza, and Pat asked me to show more in the line about the toddler going swimming.
Regarding my poem, it was quite well received. A couple suggested that the last sentence could be dropped. It was one of the few I’ve written that doesn’t rhyme.
Comments on “Just Visiting” go as follows: Jerry wanted consideration given to having thoughts of the main characters be formal when they are in the non-physical and casual with contractions, etc., when in the physical. Use of the word “corporal” or “corpus” or “corporeal” when referring to characters being “in body” or “out of body”. John suggested removing first sentence of story. Continue Reading »