Tom Clancy: “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tuesdays With Story Writers Mail, May 13, 2010
by Carol Shay Hornung
Tuesday Night at the Bookstore. . .
A whopping eight folks turned up for an evening of critiques and laughter. We were joined by Jen Wilcher and newcomer Patrick Tomlinson.
Jack Freiburger read a rewritten scene from Path to Bray’s Head. The revision really worked – the pictures each helped bring out the history. Holly thought the dialog was good, and it had nice flow. Watch tenses, though. Had and has were both used in describing one picture.
Holly Bonnickson-Jones read her rewritten scene from Coming up for Air. Annie really liked the dimensions of the character (especially after reading the whole manuscript recently). Sympathy shifted to the daughter and that works. Jack suggested trimming out some words & phrases to help tighten things up a bit. Patrick thought the fight was too balanced – maybe it should spin out of control a bit more. Jen suggested using more body language and posture to express emotion.
Terry Hoffman presented scene three of The Journal. Jack said the first couple of paragraphs were choppy – way to many “I” sentences. Holly liked the poetic description – wanted more. Patrick thought there should be a stronger reaction to the hallucination.
Annie Potter – Comeuppance. Holly loves how the kid gives it right back to the abusive stepfather. Details and descriptions were amazing. Carol and Anne wanted to find out the stepfather’s reaction to the ruined shirts. Patrick suggested breaking up some of the longer paragraphs.
Carol Hornung presented THE END of Asperger Sunset (possibly the end of the book’s future, too, as Asperger’s Syndrome may be dropped from the new edition of the DSM, the Bible of the psychiatric world. Argh). Russ is changing, but his thinking still should stay logical. Be careful of the phrases he uses. The talk of the two “worlds” seemed vague to Holly. And, of course, it needs more color!
Patrick Tomlinson read a short story about a supernatural detective in a city very much like Chicago. Groaner of a pun at the beginning, but a fun story. Enjoyed the bit with the ticket taker being a siren. Terry thought stopping after the character was paid, “less the cost of the pepper jar” would make sense. (more…)