Writer’s Mail
Tuesdays with Story
June 28, 2016
Critiques from June 21st
Hannah Marshall
Repeating the Folly: Lots of great feedback on this poem; thanks everyone! Jerry noted that the word “stack” implied more cards than would fit inside a book, and Pat questioned some weaker word choices, including the verb “shattered” and the phrase “vinegar taste.” There were some great ideas for other words to use here; in my revisions, I now have “gall.” Spring without Flowers: We discussed some pronoun/antecedent agreement in the first stanza, and Pat asked me to show more in the line about the toddler going swimming.
Millie Mader
Regarding my poem, it was quite well received. A couple suggested that the last sentence could be dropped. It was one of the few I’ve written that doesn’t rhyme.
Judith McNeil
Comments on “Just Visiting” go as follows: Jerry wanted consideration given to having thoughts of the main characters be formal when they are in the non-physical and casual with contractions, etc., when in the physical. Use of the word “corporal” or “corpus” or “corporeal” when referring to characters being “in body” or “out of body”. John suggested removing first sentence of story.
Mike Austin
I received mostly positive feedback for chapters 11-12 of “Before I Leave” There were some good suggestions of some sort of harrowing events that could take place in the crawlspace. But for now I’ll think on them. I’m not certain they belong. But I appreciate the ideas. There were also suggestions about the ending of chapter 12. After thinking about it, I agree that it needs changing. I might just go with getting rid of the last 3 paragraphs, and having Jim say, “Well, I guess we’d better get started,” and then move on to the next chapter. I’m going to leave out the part about him getting a raise; that comes up later anyway.
Nora O’Reilly
As always there were wonderful critiques that challenge me to become a better storyteller! Many people wondered how the Madison chief of police would recognize Bill’s brother Joel, the Sterling Hall bomber, after forty years. There was the added point that there would have been likely numerous people in that position and the logistics of awakening a ‘cold case.’ Overall I think the changes that I made are headed in a better direction but there is still tweaking to be done. I’ll resubmit my outline next time with another chapter.
Miscellany
Pat Edwards suggested that we check out the post from artist Jill Badonsky, “First line of your book that was written in the slammer.”
And just an FYI, The Write Practice, is hosting a writing contest. 1,500-word short story incorporating a ‘scar’ theme. Base cost is $20. Ready, set, write! http://thewritepractice.com/5th-anniversary-writing-contest/
Tuesdays with Story 
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