Tuesdays with Story

Writer’s Mail
Week of April 8, 2014

April editor . . .
Andy Pfeiffer is Writers Mail editor for this month. Got news or got feature stuff or something you’ve found on the net that will help writers? Send it to Andy.

Minutes from Tuesday . . .
We had a good turnout Tuesday at the bookstore and welcomed guest Hanna Ruoho. Kristin Oakley had printed copies of her novel, Carpe Diem, Illinois, in hand, and we had a lively discussion about the Writer’s Institute recently held through the UW Extension. Kristin and Holly have promised to write up some words of wisdom for future newsletters.

Diving into the critiques we started with Katelin Cummin’s short piece, “Treasure.” Kristin felt there was some confusion regarding the point of view of the main character – had she experienced date rape or a one night stand? Terry did point out that the woman might be confusing the two in her own mind simply because the concept of rape is too much to bear. Deb, however, points out that Richard very specifically says this is happening because she didn’t say “yes.” In order to strengthen the story within such a tight word count, Holly suggested culling out many of the actions – only leave in those that are most important. Andy felt the opening was very effective and the reader didn’t need much more information about what was going on. Carol was looking for a stronger punch at the end.

Ruth Imhoff read a new chapter of Motto of the Hound. Katelin liked the description of the shop and Holly loved the charms. Terry suggested dropping a charm in his pocket. The character’s name, Blackfan, is used an awful lot, though, and the word “light” pops up quite often, too (which is a bit odd, considering how dark the shop is). Holly pointed out a few cliches, and there was confusion regarding how Blackfan knew there was someone in the basement. Maybe a sound tips him off? Move the swinging lightbulb earlier in the scene – that would help, too.

Carol Hornung brought in a scene from Ghost of Heffron College. Terry felt that Kyle should be more interested in finding out what Travis said to Autumn. Holly felt Autumn gave up too quickly with her accusations against Kyle. Kristin pointed out that she’s accusing him of something, but what, specifically? Could be more there. Hanna said the line referring to Kyle as being “nothing special” kind of clashes with reality – he does stand out from others. Kristin wondered about the internal monolog – would a guy really think this much about what’s going on as the conversation is happening? Andy, representing the Y chromosome at the meeting, suggested that yes, a reasonably introspective guy – perhaps a timid one, too – would be thinking a lot in this way.

-Thanks Carol for the notes

Who’s up next . . .
April 8: Rebecca Rettenmund (???), Ruth Imhoff (chapter 5, Motto of the Hound), Holly Bonnicksen-Jones (discuss novel title), Karen Zethmayr (Origami), Carol Hornung (scene, The Ghost of Heffron College) and Jack Freiburger (chapter, The Trail to Bray Head).

April 15: Lisa McDougal (chapter, Tebow Family Secret), Andy Brown (???), Kashmira Sheth & Amit Trivedi (chapter 2, novel), Pat Edwards (???), John Schneller (???), and Judith McNeil (chapter 11, My Mother, Savior of Men).

April 22: Kristin Oakley (short story), Holly Bonneckson-Jones (chapter from novel), Deb Kellerman (chapter 4, Crossing Guard), Hanna Ruoho (???). Room for two more!

May 6: Amber Boudreau (chapter 4, Stone), Millie Mader (chapter 53, Life on Hold), Kashmira Sheth & Amit Trivedi (chapter 3, novel), Bob Kralapp (short story part 4, “Hole in the Wall”), Andy Pfeiffer (chapters, The Void), and Jerry Peterson (chapters, Rub Out).

The importance of changing up the action . . .
From time to time, YA author and former literary agent Nathan Bransford invites fans of his blog to send in a page for a critique. Here’s a recent one.

He begins by presenting the page without comment, then offers his thoughts, and does a redline – an edit of the page.

This page was sent in by K.S. Collier.

“The Veil”

After having just placed Adam’s breakfast on the patio table, Kanakanue stood there staring out over the Pacific. For a brief moment he thought he heard shouting. He brushed it off as a usual sound in the mornings of a seagull’s shrill cry coming from the beach.

“Will there be anything else for you, Adam?” he asked with a strong Hawaiian accent.

“No Kanakanui that’s all. Thank you,” Adam said, never lifting his eyes from his laptop.
Buried deep in his work, he rarely paid attention to his surroundings–even in beautiful Maui.

“Sir,” Kanakanui said, “I think there is someone struggling in the water.” Holding one hand over his eyes like a shield he squinted, pointed toward the beach, and thought for sure he saw a person thrashing between the waves. The whitecaps rolled ashore with a roar.

Adam glanced up briefly from his work, and scanned the waves. He stood to get a better view. Then a chilling sound echoed across the water to the spot they both stood.

“Help, someone help, please!” The agonized cry of desperation sounded louder this time.

Adam and Kanakanue looked at one another then darted down the trail to the ocean’s edge. Adam glanced downward at the red water swirling around his ankles. They rushed past several waves to help the man who had been wrestling to swim to shore. As soon as they reached the swimmer, Adam spotted the shark’s dorsal fin as it headed out to sea.

This is definitely a competently written first page. It sets the scene, it’s not difficult to place the action, and it doesn’t try too hard to grab the reader by the throat, which is very appreciated. There are some turns of phrase that could perhaps be smoother, but overall I think it reads fine.

My main concern is with the action, which I almost missed.

What’s interesting about writing action is that there are many different ways to convey it stylistically. You can do clipped phrases (e.g. “He saw blood. Red everywhere. He ran. The killer was close.”) or you could do stream of consciousness (e.g. “He saw blood and there was red everywhere and he ran, heart pounding, sensing the killer was close.”), or you can do a mix.

What’s most important with action is that you somehow change the pace.

If you’re writing a book with spare phrasing, you might consider switching to stream of consciousness with the action (Hemingway does this). If you are more lyrical, you can consider switching to clipped phrasing. With action, something is off. Things have escalated. The best way to convey this is by subtly changing the style.

In this case, the paragraph about the action is told with the same style and tone as Adam staring at his laptop, and I read into it the same level of intensity. I didn’t get the sense something really important was happening.

Change up the style and you’ll get your reader’s heart racing.

Here’s my redline:
…. get Nathan’s full post here http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2014/04/page-critique-wednesday-and-importance.html