Writer’s Mail for April 25, 2010
by Jen Wilcher
Notes from 1st and 3rd
New faces: Rebecca Rettenmund, Chessie and Amanda Myers.
Pat Edwards: read three poems; “Driving Lessons,” “Brave Enough” and “Tell Me A Story.”
Comments on “Driving Lessons.”
The gentle start and then building up of the drama was well done.
Some felt that some of the lines required a little revision so that the meter flowed better.
There was a little confusion of the chronology of the story, mainly around the first part taking place in the fall and the second part taking place in winter.
In particular, the metaphor for the cousin “skidding” on life being like skidding on black ice was well received.
Comments on “Brave Enough”
Some trouble was noted about who “They” were in the body of the poem.
The final stanza was critiqued and many people mentioned that having two repeats of “live” needed to be changed. Suggestions included; “dream, wake, die” or something similar to that. Line was too close to the “live, laugh, love” thing.
Comments on “Tell Me A Story”
It was a two-voice poem and went over very well. Everyone liked the instances of “inside jokes” and little bits that sort of hinted at bigger things. Especially the line about the Dali Lama and somebody with a comb-over.
Ideas to improve the meter of a couple lines were to write “a hundred more times” as “hundred times more,” and other things like that.
Another point was that the lines should be differentiated some how to show when the second person “spoke” in response to the first. Italicizing, bold, or a different font were suggested.
Kime Heller-Neal: Prologue
Read the first two pages of a prologue for a fantasy story.
Comments:
The first two pages were really good at hooking a reader, and should probably be fine as a prologue, since it set up a lot of questions and a conflict very nicely. Many voiced the opinion that what was supposed to be part of the prologue should instead be the first chapter.
Some concerns were that the characters used a lot of every-day phrases and colloquialisms. Also, there was some question as to whether or not the characters would use words like “woman,” “man,” “boy,” and “kid” when they’re not human creatures. There was a long discussion about balancing a full-blown language that required a glossary and something along the lines of being too modern.
One line, “memory won’t forget,” was considered redundant and advised Kime to change it. Also, the line “dreadlocked with abandonment” was questioned.
Some felt that there was a too heavy innundation of new concepts and themes.
There was a little concern that the last line of the prologue felt “trite” and needed to be reworded. Logistic issues were also brought to attention as well.
Over-all, though, it was well received and it was off to a good start.
John Scnneller: Chapter 4
Read roughly 3 pages.
Comments:
Some question as to why the animals spoke in a sort of stilted, “He not smart” way. Was it a matter of “Exposure to human speech” vs. “Inherent Intellect.” Another issue was raised as to whether the humans “use intuition” to hear what the animals said, or was it a kind of “auto-translation” sort of idea.
Other issues had to do with the geography of the setting. It seemed odd that the characters were seeing lions in the same sort of habitat as bears.
The next topic raised concerned word choice and point of view. Mainly, it was stated that the word “plop” or “plopped” was used too many times. Reference to “backside,” instead of just “back.” “Run without sound” vs. “silently.”
In one of the paragraphs, it was noted that there was some confusion as to the point of view of the characters. It sort of switched from one character to another somewhere in the middle and it confused the reader.
Naming weapons was contested, mainly in that a weapon should be established and named before any action takes place with it. Otherwise, saying something like “Winroc swished in the air, the staff catching the man on the side of the head,” could be mistaken for two different weapons.
On the other hand, the chapter read well and it wrapped up quickly and neatly.
Jerry Peterson: Thou Shalt Not Murder
The chapter was fun, and well done.
Questions were mostly about characters and details. Would the jargon of a small, private airport be relevant to the story in some way, or was it there for atmosphere?
Are the call signs somehow going to be clues?
Another question was about the scene in the newspaper office. People wanted to know what the editor’s initials stood for, call the young reporter a “young journalist” instead of the “young recorder and newspaper man.” It was clunky.
Time period specific expressions confused some of us younger group members. Especially the Afternoon Tea thing.
Someone though the line “friend, not a lover” line was weird. Another person wanted to know if the main character would be curious about what the editor was writing down on his notepads. Two people wanted to know if it was relevant to know that the new Sheriff Deputy got sick on the airplane during a barrel roll.
Rebecca Rettenmund: Cheese journal.
Comments:
Very fun and well paced. Liked the essay style writing.
A big conversation about raw vs. fried cheese curd ensued, and then someone said Rebecca should put it up on a blog and call it “Cheese Log.” There were a lot of jokes about “Cheese porn” and “cheese orgies.”
Who’s Up Next . . .
April 26th: Randy Haselow, (Hona and the Dragon), Holly Bonnicksen-Jones, (Coming Up For Air), Kime Heller-Neal (???), Jack Freiburger, (Path to Bray’s Head), Jen Wilcher, (???). Room for one more.
May 3: Chris Maxwell (???), Randy Haselow (chapter, Hona and the Dragon), Amber Boudreau (chapter 20, young adult novel), Aaron Boehm (screenplay/part 7, Hell Cage), Leah Wilbur (chapter 2, Narian Noir), and Clayton Gill (chapter 17, Fishing Derby).
May 10th:
Kim Simmons, (City in Winter), Jack Freiburger, (Path to Bray’s Head), Jen Wilcher, (???) Kime Heller-Neal (???) Room for two more.
Word Spy
gamification
n. The use of game-related concepts in non-game websites and applications to encourage users to perform actions desired by the business.
—gamify v.
Example Citations:
Businesses, seeking novel ways to engage customers online, are turning to classic video game tactics such as awarding virtual “badges,” points and trophies to make their websites stickier and boost sales.
Dubbed gamification, the practice involves using game mechanics to get people to spend more time on certain products, be it a website or a piece of software. Driven by the surprise popularity of social games on Facebook and applications such as FourSquare, some businesses are experimenting with gamification to capture the attention of consumers.
—Alex Pham, “Businesses are using game mechanics online to rev up sales,” Los Angeles Times, February 28, 2011
The latest wave started with virtual badges earned for checking in at various locations. It continued with applications on Facebook that reward you for sharing information about brands with your friends….
“I think 2011 very much will be the year of gamification,” said Gabe Zichermann, author of “Game-Based Marketing,” using the somewhat clunky moniker that has become an umbrella term for the new incentive programs.
—Casey Newton, “Online game-based marketing can be big business,” The San Francisco Chronicle, February 1, 2011
Earliest Citation:
An emerging concept called gamification may just be the jolt the loyalty space needs to shake off the cobwebs and become vital again.
gamification takes lessons from the gaming community and applies them to loyalty programs.
—Patricia Odell, “When Building Loyalty: Think Like a Gamer,” Chief Marketer, April 1, 2010
Notes:
Gamification also refers to the act of turning something into an actual video game, and that sense of the term is a few years older:
[T]his summer online game manufacturers are taking one step closer to simulated sin: They’re turning the keyboard into a sex toy. …
But the “gamification” of romance sends the wrong message to kids raised by video games.
—Andrew Hanelly, “‘Gamification’ of love has serious consequences,” The Mass Media, April 18, 2006
Related Words:
ad creep
advergame
exergaming
social networking
tribal marketing
Posted on April 13, 2011
Tuesdays with Story 
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